My tousled self rolled out of bed in pink polka dot jammies and tangled hair at the wee hour of five this morning…I wanted to get up and finish a writing project and I also had a to do list that had a hankering for some check marks. So, off went my alarm on my loner phone that has less features than my son’s “play”phone—it’s about the only perk on that degum phone. Anyhow, I popped out of bed with mascara crusted in the corner of my eyes and a mouth that was in need of a good washin’. I felt ready to conquer the day because I am one of those obnoxious morning persons.
I had my half calf nicely poured into my favorite “Nashville” starbucks mug and I sat my swollen I ate to-much- Mexican-food-face down in front of the computer. I was ready to roll…my day was planned down to the last detail.
Which looked like this:
6am-finish writing project,plan day, brush my teeth,read my bible, and get some workout clothes on in hopes that I may end up at the gym at some point
9am-pack roman’s lunch and bag for the day/Get Roman off to school with no hitches of course:)
9:30am-2pm-workout,blog, finish paper for class, call Comcast and get cable fixed, sit down and eat some lunch, send check to painter, wash my greasy over due for a good wash head of hair
Here’s how it went down in reality…
Out of toothpaste My computer crashed and I couldn’t complete my work. Dangit. Well, dangit again…out of my favorite almond milk. Knew I needed to read my bible but instead foolishly chose to zone out in front of “Little Einsteins”. Roman decided to put his 2 year old strong willed self into over drive and refuse breakfast and as well as wearing any kind of diaper. This in turn led to me on a full blown chase to get some kind of clothes on his hiney. Which in turn led to soggy-never-eaten cereal and being late to preschool. With all that pandemonium, I felt led to burn off some stress at the gym before getting back to my work. I had a major craving for some fluff TV..i just wanted to shut down all the neurons that are constantly shooting in my head. Well, so much for fluff TV. Every dagblasted piece of cardio equipment I got on had a broken TV. And when I finally eyed one that worked in the far corner, it turned out the TV turned on but the volume was broken! AHHH!
After finally succumbing to the idea that TV was just not going to be a part of my cathartic-gone- awry workout, I read a People magazine…from February 2009(only choice left on rack, I assure you). Urghhh. After I got all my toxins out and my stress released, I jumped in the car anxious to get back to my work and get that to do list checked off.
Not so much.
Long story, kind of short… I got back to the house to realize I was locked out and I couldn’t reach the only person with a spare…Seth. And no, there was no hidden key…brilliant, I know. Now, this is frustrating for two reasons. 1) No one likes to be locked out of their house no matter how pretty of a day it is 2) I hate nothing more than lingering in sweaty clothes… I sweat like a sinner in church so the idea of clingy, pasty clothes sends me straight for a long shower and a bar of soap.
I was in a quagmire. I needed clothes and I needed a computer..any computer…and I needed them both by 2 p.m. I just HAD to finish this project. So, here’s where my resourceful mind led me. I found some old high school funky smelling gym shorts of Seth’s in the shed and then I managed to fit into a one size fits all t-shirt that was titled SEC champs. Which is all together ironic because I hate football. Only part missing was underwear and bra. Oh well.
Now, all I needed was a computer. And there is really only one other place that I can go besides my home looking like this ridiculous…my good friend, Amanda’s.
I pulled my cell phone out making the conversation brief because my cell phone was one bar away from going dead…of course—I function on dying phones and low gas tanks.
Amanda picked up and in an exacerbated tone I said,“Hey, can’t talk long,” “can I come use your computer real quick…oh, and borrow some deodorant..oh, and do you have an extra bra??” Amanda: “huh, what? Where are you?” Me: Don’t worry I’ll explain. On my way.”
I hustled my mismatched, salty stained self into my car and headed over there. Barefoot. No undergarments. Hungry. And worst of all no deodorant.
Now, my original plan included me actually sitting down for lunch…scrap that idea. While in my sports garb, I held one hand on the wheel and then used the other to reach behind me in quest of something edible..maybe Roman had dropped some goldfish that I could prey on? I didn’t care if they were stale. I just needed something. Something. Anything. Ahaaa!! To my tummy’s delight I found some cracklin’ oat bran cereal that had somehow fallen out of the grocery bag from the night before! So a half a pound of consumed fiber and 10 minutes later I rolled into Amanda’s. Still looking like a beggar. But, my tummy was full.
I scurried into her house with shoulders hanging with the posture of a thirteen year old embarrassed of my “uncontained” feminine parts. I can embrace a lot of “freeing” ideas, but not wearing a bra isn’t one of them. Needless to say, the combination of my ill fitted attire, greasy-need to be colored hair, bran flakes all over my face, and my gangsta’ gym shorts just sent Amanda into a good chuckle.
Me: “glad, you can laugh. i know I look like the poster child for dishevelment. This day has not gone as planned..not one blessed detail. Amanda: “Oh just embrace it—it’s life.”
Now this is why I love her so. Embrace it? Embrace looking like a clown whose belly hurts because she has now exceeded her daily amount of fiber?? I think not.
But, she had a point. What if I would just accept the fact that sometimes life doesn’t go as planned? Most of the time life does not go as planned. You know what I’m talking about…
You get married later in life than you thought. You get gray hairs earlier than you thought. You lose your job after 15 years of devoted service. You just can’t seem to have that second child no matter what you do…
What if I just let go? Enjoyed where I am. Even if it’s not like what I wanted…or planned.
I’m not real good at this whole letting go of my plan thing. It goes against the grain of my nature. It’s hard for me to do it on a daily basis much less life in general. But one thing I am learning..slowly,ever so slowly is this: I have two choices.
1. Try to change my circumstances, always living for the “when” this or that happens. Forcing, pulling, pushing, and manipulating God to move.
2. Take a hold of where I am now. Don’t change it. Don’t fight it. Just live it. Stop trying to force my plan and timing on God. Because truth is He’s not budging. And for good reasons. Because He loves me.
I am not a slow down kind of gal, but I am a “doer”. Constantly thinking about the next thing. The room that will look good once that perfect light is ordered. The life that will be better once we go on vacation. And the family that will be happier once it grows.
I am learning that these things will come in due time, but God’s hand will not be pulled or yanked. But it will be held. So, today I am working on the holding. Not asking where we are going. Or when are we stopping. Or when can we sit down and take a break.
No, today I am just putting my hand into His. Believing. And with my broken smidgen of faith I am going to trust that He knows where he is taking me.