Yesterday I received a bit of not-so good news…well, actually horrible news. I knew it was coming but having it verbalized just sent me reeling for a good bit. And so I do what I always do when anxiety gets the best of me…I laced up my worn out Mazuno running shoes that are falling apart at the heels and got gussied up in athletic gear for a good ole fashion” come to Jesus meeting” on the pavement.
If I can’t escape my circumstances..well, maybe I can run from them? With a flame of anger and Doubt starting to flare at God I headed off with Roman strapped in his BOB stroller. The sight of him gave me a smidgen of relief because he looks like a third grader compacted and contorted into a toddler’s stroller…just look:
I had an internal chuckle mixed with a sigh of gratefulness for him..as he is my little miracle. With a tight grip and perspiration already foaming at my brow I headed out with ipod in hand and a “why is this happening to me?” attitude to fuel my steps.
And with every pound of my foot…left foot,right foot,left foot right foot… I poured out my little broken heart to God and pleaded with Him to give me wisdom. That’s always my prayer when I am out of words (which is rare!)…and this time I really needed it. It seems lately Seth and I have a had a lot of trying situations in every facet of life..i am beyond grateful that God has given us this beautiful gift of a marriage..tied up in ribbons of passion, friendship and invigorating conversations, but it doesn’t negate our often tough and trying times. But can I just be honest? Sometimes I just want the easy road. The easy life. The easy everything. Anyone with me??
I want my road to look like this…
Not this…
Hills are for running. Not my life. Come on, God, don’t you know that??!! I’m SICK of learning the lessons. Why can’t mean Mildred with a snobby, keep up with the Jones’ attitude get a lesson..just ONE lesson?! I have had enough lessons, God!!
The mishmash of all my protesting and my I- know- better- than –You,God attitude made my heart rate soar.. .
Then… internal SILENCE. I froze mid stride.
It struck me all at once…I prayed for all this. I prayed for His heart. I prayed for Wisdom. I prayed for a life that would outlive me. And in that revelation, I felt God tell me these struggles are my gifts. You’d be ruined,running with the herd, trying to be someone you’re not if it weren’t for these ole lessons,Lindsay.
After five miles of emptying myself,my plans,my anger…my agenda…this is what God poured back into me.
- You cannot have a testimony without a TEST.
- If God loves you the least little bit he will let you suffer- suffering is the knife in which He carves us into His image.
- Hard times don’t make or break us..they reveal us. Who we really are is hidden just one layer below a hard hit.
- Everything He allows is for our ultimate good no matter how horrific it may seem. If we allow Him the freedom. Romans 8:28
- We always love the stories of the heroes..the Mother Teresa’s, the Walt Disney’s, the Henry Ford’s . Just take a look at them
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We all recognize them. Why? Because deep with you and me…we want their kind of stories…their kind of lives. Problem is we don’t want to have to go through what they had to go through to get to where they are.
6. Success in life is not what you do , but WHO YOU ARE. And pain and suffering have a swift and mighty way of producing character. And character is what COUNTS. Anyone can be a selfish,sleaze bag.
7. You can only live a life beyond yourself when you are broken. Brokenness is the breeding ground for GREAT lives. Lives that change this world one life at a time.
So, that’s what I am weeding through after a 4:45 in the afternoon run. This is not what I wanted. I’d take the shortcut if I could. But He never promised it’d be easy. But He did promise He’d never leave me. He’d never leave YOU.
And I’m going to hold Him up on that offer ‘til the bitter end…
