About three months ago while munching sweet potato fries at PM restaurant on a cold,damp Wednesday night in February with these women….
….I got a little surprise.
One of my best friends, Julie(the beloved red head), while crunching on some greens and talking business models, interior design, Jesus, missions trips, and beauty products, and books(yes, that is usually the scattered route we go)she busted out with this:
“hey,y’all wanna got to Florida the first week in May?…I have a house I am designing and it’s a free stay?”
Natalie and I were sitting across the table, but with Julie’s unexpected offer our bodies leaned in closer as if the proposal had magnetized us forward. With our eyebrows arched with delight at the possible chance at soaking up vitamin D and being freed from any kind of commitments, we both chimed in with a resounding and unified, “ Yes!”’
Fast forward through the chilly days and gloomy nights to the blooming of spring and the sun’s extended stay in the evening and we were finally in the month of May. And here it was time to dig my toes into the sand, catch up on writing and reading, and spend unlimited hours with two people that I love.
And I don’t mean I love them in that fake kind of variety— that all too common, I love you but talk about you behind your back when you get on my nerves kind of way. I love them, not because they are perfect or always easy to love, but because they love me for me—flaws and all, yet hold me to a higher standard in every arena of my life. They know I am quirky, scattered, always have my mind on at least 3 things at one time kind of friend—they may think it odd at times, but they accept it..they accept me. These are the gals that never flinched or acted weird when we moved to this neighborhood or even really cared. That’s a quality hard to come by these days and it’s a quality that tethers me to them time and time again.
Our friendships are built on respect and honesty, sometimes more honesty than I want at times. It’s like carrying a mirror around with you 24/7. But a mirror that reflects beauties and imperfections all at the same time. Natalie is a bundle of contradictions….driven to the core and full of such love for God and mankind, sometimes I feel like she is this walking warrior, full of God’s power, yet openly frail in the same breath. Julie, has been my best friend for 15 years. She taught me how to be a friend, how to be loyal..up until I met her I think I jacked up most of my friendships because I ran when conflict came. Juls has taught me how that conflict is the gateway to intimacy; you must walk through it to reap the splendors of true friendship. I could write on about these two women…but my point in this blog is the mirror.
Yes, the mirror.
A trip with two dear friends for a week is a mirror in to your heart, soul, and mind. A rippling reflection with every word and thought that is tossed upon the water.
So, last week as we three strolled upon the white sandy beaches —Julie and I talking creative mumbo jumbo while Natalie listened. Needless to say, Natalie does not have one creative bone in her body. Business woman to the core, but a big hearted one at that. Julie was giving me feedback on some things I wrote, and just more or less loving me and challenging me all in the same moment.
And after a long walk, with my arches cramping and my shoulders tattooed red by the sun, I went in and reorganized.
Yes, reorganized.
Reorganized something that had been mumble jumbled for a while, but I didn’t know how to pick up the pieces and put them in order—like a room with the furniture all in the wrong places.—the chairs upside down, the table is sideways, the chandelier tangled on the floor …where does one begin?.
The little mess I was trying to rearrange was the “about me” section for my blog. I’ve had a hard time writing this –as it seems odd, and insincere to write about one’s self. Does it not??
But, after a week, with two women that have anchored me, challenged me, and been Jesus to me in ways I would have not enough time to write this is what I came up with…
The weirdness that is me:
If you are really bored and have watched American Idol until your ears and eyes about shrivel up and fall off and you are bored with perusing the pictures of people you don’t even really like on facebook…well, pull up a chair, my invisible friend.
Because behind this cyber screen breathes…
One happy-go lucky, free spirited, car key losing, lover of art and music, quirky to the core, usually in need of my roots being touched up, would rather die than be fake or pretentious, maybe should have been born in southern California not Tennessee, try to find the best in others because life is miserable otherwise, haphazard with bruises tattooed on her body, dark chocolate stasher, afflicted with disheveled purse disorder , fighting infertility but not defined by it, determined to not make my struggles my identity, believer that all people should be treated with love and respect no matter what, get out of bed each morning because I am driven by sharing the love of Jesus kind of woman.
I guess I’m my own species. But, aren’t we all?
Let me just get this out of the way..this whole “about me” section is flat out awkward. Like one of those 30 second speed dates where you are trying to sell someone on yourself, yet be authentic at the same time. It’s just all 137 kinds of weird and wrong. Like a used car sales me selling bibles. It just don’t jive,people.
But , despite the peculiarity of this section…I do want you to know about me…but not to sell you, or corner you into anything…just to let you know that I am just like you. Imperfect. Human. Struggling and overcoming all at the same time. Secure on most days. Insecure on the others. A work in progress. Some days full graceful paint strokes. Some days some ridden with dents and nicks.
At the end of the day, I just want my life to matter…
What I want for my life is this: And if I want anything in this life— it is that I want my story to be written well—not perfect,not pain free, not a fairy tale—just infused with meaning so future generations will want to turn the page to hear the story.
So here goes it…
I am a 33 year old gal that lives in Nashville, Tennessee, a city I have called home since birth, except for a brief stint in New York City where my passion for writing was birthed. I am married to my high school sweetheart,Seth, we are opposites in every sense of the word. He is the rule follower and i am the..well, rule breaker. I am also the mama to one strong willed,big hearted 3 year old boy named, Roman, that brings sunshine to every facet of my life. These are just roles in my life, not who I am. Because if there is one thing I am learning it is that what you do is not who you are.
The three of us along with our so- dumb -he’s -smart, beagle, Sonny, and our second“honorary” son,Nicholas, live in a not- so -normal neighborhood, that has turned out to teach me more about the heart of God than endless hours warming a church pew or trying to be good enough. It’s like I had gotten whiffs and smells of God’s heart here and there, but not until we moved to this unusual, yet soul awakening neighborhood did I finally taste of His heart. And it was so sweet.
As I live out my everyday life—my goal is this: trying to do small things in big ways in hopes that this world might brush up against the love of God. I just want to live out every day to the fullest—I know I will fail, but I rather give it my all and get hurt—you can’t feel love fully without feeling pain fully—and that’s a risk I am willing to take.
Another risk I take is …I don’t try to burden myself with rules.
Well, just one rule. And it’s deal breaker for my soul.
This rule:
Do not pick up the measuring tape.
You know…the measuring tape…that age old game of comparing yourself to others. I try to evade assessing myself to anyone else as I spent much of my twenties in bondage…wrapped up in that degum tape like a mummy. I was bound. I was tied. And I didn’t know how to get unraveled.
Fighting with who I was. Who I wasn’t. Scared of who I was. And terrified of who I was not. Often thinking I could do it on my own and keep my faith shelved because I didn’t want my life to get too messy. Because whenever you start taking God out of his Sunday box and moving him into your everyday life… well, life gets complicated.
It’s a lot easier to follow “being a good person rules” than it is loving God and loving people. It’s no wonder there are so many hard hearted, mean religious people in this world…being a church goer is easy because that’s something we can check off our list…reaching out in love is hard as all hell at times, but it’s the only thing that will keep you from imploding within.
So back to my story…( forgot to add my attention span tends to be challengedJ)
God had bigger and better plans for me and basically sent my life unraveling about 7 years ago. Job losses, marital struggles,a husband’s battle with depression, and the unraveling of who I thought I was…and who I thought God was. Everything seemed to be crumbling and I didn’t know how to put it back together much less pick up the pieces. Because truth was I didn’t know who I was, so how was I suppose to put back together a life disintegrating when my foundation was collapsing?
So here I am 7 years later, a new heart, a renewed mind, a revived spirit, an addict to God’s redemptive ways, a junkie for hope and love, a believer in Jesus’ abundant grace for all mankind, a perfectly imperfect marriage , blessed by friendships that spur me to to be the kind of friend I would want to have, and a woman made whole in my brokenness. I still am a train wreck on most days, but I’m free. The difference is I’ve traded the glossy life of religion and formulas for His heart, for His love. And after surviving my tumultuous twenties and battling who I was, who I wasn’t, Am I enough..Am I too much?
I finally came to a place where I realized that when the burden to compare yourself to others becomes more daunting and heavy than the ability to walk your own path, well then you have found your freedom.
And today I walk in that freedom. Some days I limp and others days I sprint. But no matter what, I walk my path. My goal is not to compete with all the other blogs or to try to rank high on Google…just to share the love of God in the most genuine, non-religious way possible. I want nothing more than to be authentic, transparent, and often raw…in hopes that we would all be encouraged to shuck our plastic, I’m-a-better-person-than-you, afraid to be myself masks and to break out of our comfort zones that are killing us. I guess you could say the thesis for my life is nothing more than: To show the love of God to all mankind in all I do and say, each and every day.Even when I fail, I have to brush it off and go back to this starting point. Because if I don’t it’s like trying to start my day without brushing my teeth. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth all day.
Until we can get this whole loving God and loving our neighbor thing down, I will write my heart out. Because God knows that’s the only thing that will ever change this hopeless and spiritually hungry world.
