Why it is important to embrace YOUR insecurities…


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I always thought that when I was 16 years old driving around in my smurf-ish colored Honda Accord  that one day far far in the future when I was a real bonafide adult….. say, 35 years old I would be rid of all insecurity and angst. But that far away future is now and I  still struggle and grapple with me. I love, like and all together dislike who I am on most days.  And every now and then in the  in between I feel like I might have it all together only to be struck down by some area that I have altogether FAILED–like thinking you look pretty darn put together one day and then at the end of the day you glance in the mirror and you have mascara running everywhere and your skin is broken out. It’s never easy or fun to see your soul’s shortcomings or ugliness.

 

Lately, I just feel this little gnat swarming around my head humming in an annoying tune: you are not good enough. You know…..look over there….you are not as good of a mother as so and so–they do crafts and sew and you can’t even get a button back on your daughter’s dress. Not as good as a writer as so and so–they are way more productive and multi-task oriented than you. You just are taking care of your kids this summer—you slacker.

Truth be told I don’t know what end is up right now.

I am trying to pack up this ole house we sold in three days and move out in five days (which I need anxiety meds just writing that) I am going to miss this house  like crazy because I transitioned from wobbly Lindsay— not sure of who she was or what she was suppose to be to the broken, but strong Lindsay–still imperfect, still longing for more, but sure of Who loves me and where my identity comes.  Don’t get me wrong the mess is still there–just behind pretty french doors of self-acceptance. You just have to barely open them to see all the crap oozing out. Difference  now is this : I own it. I own my free spirit. I own that I am going to mess up and need forgiveness from many,but I will give it my all at the risk of failing. I own that I do not have it all together. I own that I must be a good friend to have one. I own that I am accountable for the words springing off my tongue and I pray they bring light and not darkness. I own that this life isn’t about me and my hankering to just be comfortable ( even though Jesus knows that that scares me to my core) and I own that what I have and do is not who I am.

As I have been playing this game of tug of war with my inadequacies–dancing with them gingerly then slapping them when they get a  little too close for comfort and step on my feet … often wondering Jesus, am i getting this living life thing right? Is there even a right? And what does it look like? Where does this right live? Is there a book on it or a formula for it because I am not sure I even know how to attain it or if I am even capable of achieving it.

Am I a better wife than I was almost 12 years ago? I do not know…I hope so. Am I a better friend? Do I listen and sacrifice and love not to  simply receive  but as an overflow of the love God has poured upon me. Sometimes. And other times I think I just  flat out BOMB.

With all this nonsensical wandering in my mind, visiting all these towns of self reflection down paths of pondering–I have learned that I love the needy places in my life, the dirty places, the ones that don’t fit or make sense, the ones I try to hide from those that do not know me. Because running up to your imperfections and giving them a big ole hug allows you this odd freedom–you own them and they no longer own you. A God given confidence is born out of the humble realization that you do not have it all together nor does anyone else.

This past Saturday as I headed to a writer’s workshop, which  I really had no business being at sense nothing has been packed–not a cup, not a bra,not a chair—nada, this whole am I good enough walked  around in my mind…actually it stampeded like a herd of two ton elephants. All other thoughts had to pass through the gate of what does owning your insecurities look like?

And as Amy Lyles Wilson sent us off to write with the prompt of  “I save”…..–me looking into the computer screen with jitters bubbling under my skin because I felt writer’s block just around the corner.

Panic wreaking havoc on any potential  and half way decent thoughts.

Then this came pushing through.

This is what I save:

I save my insecurity and drink it when pride creeps under the doorstep of my conscience, for it teaches me that I am beloved by He that knows no end. I savor my losses and  failures like a wine aged by imperfection and fuddle them when the plenty of life leaves me still parched for more. I relish my loneliness for it has taught me that this place where serpents dwell in darkness cloaked as light and half eaten apples leave you ever ravenous …..is but  a perch to see that I cannot really fully see and that one day I will rise up from this place of  toiled soils and fly beyond  into clouds of glory. I save my lost loves because they have broken and molded me into an authentic version of my  wayward self that clings to a plastic life of safety. I can and pickle my rejection and keep it on the middle shelf where my soul can reach it  with  ease and taste of it,  for it has given way to a spirit of empathy which  is a gift that opens up a fifth chamber of the heart. I salvage the rough edges, the prickly places like a treasure–only I know where it is hidden under the worn planks of am  I good enough? And I sift through the gifts of inadequacy and false shame and hold them for they have held me and freed me.

What do you save?

 

 

And since I have yet to conquer a summer schedule and writing–here are some updated photos to make you hopefully crack a smile :)

 

Roman thought it genius to dress Posey up as Izzy off of Jake and the Neverland Pirates...and somehow this very opinionated almost 2 year old obliged:)

 

 

Me, Roman (now the pirate), Posey and my sister, Jacquelyn at the beach…doesn’t Posey look comfortable!?

 

 

Roman and Lulu…only two kids I know that can rock out until 11:30 pm and not bat an eye. Night owls through and through.

 

 

Nicholas’ big 11th birthday night out…the boy consumed a filet that night that was big enough to feed a 400 pound man! Growing up….

 

Thanks as always for reading my messy words. I started a new venture this summer –helping people tell their stories (ghost writing and book proposal assistance). Email me at lifelivedfully.llj@gmail.com if you have something you have been wanting to breath life into. Our stories are our greatest gifts.

xoxo

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  • Anonymous

    Lindsay! I swear, EVERY time I read one of your posts I feel like you peeked at my journal or something! Whenever I get the email that tells me you made a new post, I’m like “Ok, will it be about exactly what I’m going through, again?” and yep, it ALWAYS is. No joke. It’s totally God though, which makes it really sweet and personal to me. My devotion today was “It’s Ok to Like Yourself” because I really struggle with this and I am constantly comparing myself to other moms. But when I read your words I can see myself through different eyes, see myself through you, if that makes sense? And honestly I think you’re super awesome, gorgeous, talented, compassionate, and inspiring—so through your vulnerability God is using your words to give me new eyes, to heal my heart and let me know that I am NOT alone. Thank you girl! You’re words are truly spirit filled.

    • http://lifelivedfully.com lifelivedfully

      Shayna,
      this seriously might be the sweetest thing i have eve received. It’s been a touch summer of not writing and feeling like I just didn’t know if I had anything to say….so these words were more than cherished. Thank you so much—it means sooooo very much. And thanks for just taking the time to read with all that I am sure you have going on in your own life. You have so blessed me…xoxo

  • LLH

    I’m going to have to ponder this deeply…this question of what I save. There is no easy answer, but I think the time spent digging into the depths would be time well spent. Thanks for giving me something worthy to sit with today. I’m struck by how the enemy can spoon feed our insecurities through others, even (especially?) fellow Jesus lovers. I might look at you and think you’re gorgeous and know how to do hair, makeup, accessories…and take a big bite of “I’m so blah.” {A lie. Nothing God created is blah!} You might hear me say I love summer with my kids and take a big gulp of “What’s wrong with me that I’m desperate for school to start?” {Nothing wrong at all. I used to be there. But when your kids are older, the school schedule can run you ragged.} I guess the trick is to see what’s on the spoon and who’s behind it. To call it a lie and refuse to eat of it. So hard in the moment! Thank God for all the ways that He sticks with us and runs after us with the truth of who we really are. Now off to ponder what I save. Love your heart and your honest, artful way of expressing it.

  • Ineke G

    Hello stranger! I finished my Novel Writing and Publishing course this week and will email you my final grade/report card, turns out the lecturer (professor as you say there) is a Christian, please check your emails. xxx