When you feel you will never be “good” enough…


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Struggling.

That would pretty much sum up every action, thought and breathe that palpitates and pulses through my body.

Struggling to find balance.

Struggling to not buy into all this world tries to make you think is important.

Struggling to be me.

Struggling to me a mother, a friend, a wife.

Struggling to write.

Struggling to find time.

I have hardly written in 4 months—really since we moved in with my parents while we gutted a house that we are moving into in four days.

I have no real space to write—neither in the physical or mental sense and piles of needed appliances, lights and what not seem to blow up my email before I can give life to what is going on inside me. As I said in my last post, silly, senseless first world problems they are. But in this midst of having no place to land, in this cramped space where Star Wars legos play peak a boo in my sock- meets –bras- meets- you name it drawer, princess tiaras are found nestled under my unread book pile, bills somehow get lost in 5 year old artwork, I too feel a little lost—not quite sure where I belong.

Wobbly because I scuffle and scrap with believing that being productive equals my value. That where I live has something to do with who I am. And that if I am good enough at the roles I have been given then somehow life will go my way. If you are imperfect like I am then I imagine you have been there…this place where there seems no entrance or exits just static movement.

I keep thinking  when we move this or that  will get better, when we do this  or that then we will be settled, when I am productive and as accomplished as Martha Stewart I will finally be at peace with me.

In the words of my sweet grandfather, it is all hogwash. If I cannot find reconciliation right where I am –in clutter or organization. Productivity or apathy. In little or a lot. Reaching my goals or barely holding onto them. Then I dare say I have somehow missed God’s greatest truth: it’s not about me or you or being good enough. It’s about His great love for us as His children and that when we lay our weary heads on our pillows at night we must know and hopefully believe His love is enough.

I fail every day—sometimes a lot, sometimes a little. I don’t love like I should. I curse too much (way too much if we are being honest!). I get pugnacious and fraught over little things. I compare myself too much. I over-commit too often. I try to control things I cannot control, which is pretty much everything in life. I create unrealistic expectations that lead to resentment.  I get lost in this world and its lies that I will be happy when this or that happens. Then I sober up, fiercely shake my head like a dog freshly released from an unwelcome bath hoping to shed these unwanted false beliefs out of my head and into the atmosphere to hopefully evaporate.  I slap my spirit around with much chiding and disappointment for buying into such nonsense. I would pretty much say this is a daily routine for me. Rinse and repeat. Lawdy, I am a slow learner.

But as I finally sit down to write and assign letters to my grappling, I recognize it is this that I am constantly learning and relearning:

 That God’s great love sets me free, you free. When I am good enough there can be no arrogance because truly it is by His grace that we love and live. And when I bomb and  lose my way before  8 am  it is alright even then because my failures don’t condemn me.

I think I have spent 36 years trying to be good enough. And good isn’t a bad thing. It’s just what drives that train called “good” that makes all the difference. Are you and I chugging along tracks made out of our own efforts only to wreck when we mess up in a colossal or not so colossal way? Or are we being propelled on tracks of grace knowing that whether we have a great day or the very worst day that we are still at least moving because His mercy and love define us and move us forward toward freedom, not perfection—that is the beauty of the gospel. Your life, my life can never be stagnant once we realize that we will never be good enough in our own strength.

So struggle I will, I doubt it will just go away. I imagine, or rather I hope that with age it will be less though. Humanity has a way of exposing our frailty, whether doubt or fear, we all have our demons.

But what I know now is that as long as you and I measure ourselves by His great love for us we will always matter. You and I will always make a difference.  And most beautiful of all when friendships shift, homes are relocated, marriages fluctuate…. we shall know our place, which is His child. It’s just a matter of embracing the struggle instead of running from it, living out of His love for us not our need to be approved, and recognizing that good will never be good enough if we use it as litmus test for getting what we want out of life.

Sometimes the hard places make us dig and when we excavate we realize there is always more to unbury. More worries, more insecurities, more not really knowing where life is going. But truth is we don’t have to try so hard, struggle so hard.  We just need to let go, welcome the unwanted, uncomfortable places instead of manipulating them and let Him love us to higher ground.

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If you haven’t read How Good Is Good Enough? I highly recommend. Total paradigm shift for me….. 51NlUH0CZ4L._SY344_PJlook-inside-v2,TopRight,1,0_SH20_BO1,204,203,200_

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  • Christina Baker

    I seriously can not begin to tell you how much I can relate to each and every word you wrote. All of it ……and you are so very right. We need to let it go.

    • http://lifelivedfully.com lifelivedfully

      Christina, just seeing this! yikes! you are too kind and so encouraging. i wish i could reach through screen and hug you! you are such a gift with such an amazing heart….and talented hand:) keep on painting, sista! xo

  • Margie

    I loved what you said about hating crafts. I beat myself up for not reading enough of the classics to my children. And I love to read, but I hate to read out loud. Like I have said before, there is no such thing as a wasted life. We can always serve as a bad example. ;)

    • http://lifelivedfully.com lifelivedfully

      thanks,Margie–you are always so encouraging.learning slowwwlllllyyyy that i cannot do it all OR be it all, but I can be the very best version of myself with God’s grace! xoxo