(FYI..this is not what I look like on most days…just when I actually get a shower, don’t forget deodorant, my roots aren’t overtaking my head, and my face is fully plucked…so I had to put it on here as a “atta, girl you finally aren’t in your workout clothes with your hair greased to the top of yo’ head and dark chocolate melted on your arse all day!).
NOW…why you actually visited this page!
If you are really bored and have watched American Idol until your ears and eyes about shrivel up and fall off and you are bored with perusing the pictures of people you don’t even really like on facebook…well, pull up a chair, my invisible friend.
Because behind this cyber screen breathes…
One happy-go lucky, free spirited, car key losing, lover of art and music, quirky to the core, usually in need of my roots being touched up, would rather die than be fake or pretentious, maybe should have been born in southern California not Tennessee, try to find the best in others because life is miserable otherwise, haphazard with bruises tattooed on her body, dark chocolate stasher, afflicted with disheveled purse disorder , fighting infertility but not defined by it, determined to not make my struggles my identity, believer that all people should be treated with love and respect no matter what, get out of bed each morning because I am driven by sharing the love of Jesus kind of woman.
I guess I’m my own species. But, aren’t we all?
Let me just get this out of the way..this whole “about me” section is flat out awkward. Like one of those 30 second speed dates where you are trying to sell someone on yourself, yet be authentic at the same time. It’s just all 137 kinds of weird and wrong. Like a used car salesman selling me bibles. It just feels forced and fake.
But , despite the peculiarity of this section…I do want you to know about me…but not to sell you, or corner you into anything…just to let you know that I am just like you. Imperfect. Human. Struggling and overcoming all at the same time. Secure on most days. Insecure on the others. A work in progress. Some days full graceful paint strokes. Some days some ridden with dents and nicks.
At the end of the day, I just want my life to matter…
What I want for my life is this: And if I want anything in this life— it is that I want my story to be written well—not perfect,not pain free, not a fairy tale—just infused with meaning so future generations will want to turn the page to hear the story.
So here goes it…
I am a 33 year old gal that lives in Nashville, Tennessee, a city I have called home since birth, except for a brief stint in New York City where my passion for writing was birthed. I am married to my high school sweetheart,Seth, we are opposites in every sense of the word. He is the rule follower and i am the..well, rule breaker. I am also the mama to one strong willed,big hearted 3 year old boy named, Roman, that brings sunshine to every facet of my life. These are just roles in my life, not who I am. Because if there is one thing I am learning it is that what you do is not who you are.
The three of us along with our so- dumb -he’s -smart, beagle, Sonny, and our second “honorary” son,Nicholas, live in a not- so -normal neighborhood, that has turned out to teach me more about the heart of God than endless hours warming a church pew or trying to be good enough. It’s like I had gotten whiffs and smells of God’s heart here and there, but not until we moved to this unusual, yet soul awakening neighborhood did I finally taste of His heart. And it was so sweet.
As I live out my everyday life—my goal is this: trying to do small things in big ways in hopes that this world might brush up against the love of God. I just want to live out every day to the fullest—I know I will fail, but I rather give it my all and get hurt—you can’t feel love fully without feeling pain fully—and that’s a risk I am willing to take.
Another risk I take is …I don’t try to burden myself with rules.
Well, just one rule. And it’s deal breaker for my soul.
You know…the measuring tape…that age old game of comparing yourself to others. I try to evade assessing myself to anyone else as I spent much of my twenties in bondage…wrapped up in that degum tape like a mummy. I was bound. I was tied. And I didn’t know how to get unraveled.
Fighting with who I was. Who I wasn’t. Scared of who I was. And terrified of who I was not. Often thinking I could do it on my own and keep my faith shelved because I didn’t want my life to get too messy. Because whenever you start taking God out of his Sunday box and moving him into your everyday life… well, life gets complicated.
It’s a lot easier to follow “being a good person rules” than it is loving God and loving people. It’s no wonder there are so many hard hearted, mean religious people in this world…being a church goer is easy because that’s something we can check off our list…reaching out in love is hard as all hell at times, but it’s the only thing that will keep you from imploding within.
So back to my story…( forgot to add my attention span tends to be challengedJ)
God had bigger and better plans for me and basically sent my life unraveling about 7 years ago. Job losses, marital struggles,a husband’s battle with depression, and the unraveling of who I thought I was…and who I thought God was. Everything seemed to be crumbling and I didn’t know how to put it back together much less pick up the pieces. Because truth was I didn’t know who I was, so how was I suppose to put back together a life disintegrating when my foundation was collapsing?
So here I am 7 years later, a new heart, a renewed mind, a revived spirit, an addict to God’s redemptive ways, a junkie for hope and love, a believer in Jesus’ abundant grace for all mankind, a perfectly imperfect marriage , blessed by friendships that spur me to to be the kind of friend I would want to have, and a woman made whole in my brokenness. I still am a train wreck on most days, but I’m free. The difference is I’ve traded the glossy life of religion and formulas for His heart, for His love. And after surviving my tumultuous twenties and battling who I was, who I wasn’t, Am I enough..Am I too much?
I finally came to a place where I realized that when the burden to compare yourself to others becomes more daunting and heavy than the ability to walk your own path, well then you have found your freedom.
And today I walk in that freedom. Some days I limp and others days I sprint. But no matter what, I walk my path. My goal is not to compete with all the other blogs or to try to rank high on Google…just to share the love of God in the most genuine, non-religious way possible. I want nothing more than to be authentic, transparent, and often raw…in hopes that we would all be encouraged to shuck our plastic, I’m-a-better-person-than-you, afraid to be myself masks and to break out of our comfort zones that are killing us. I guess you could say the thesis for my life is nothing more than: To show the love of God to all mankind in all I do and say, each and every day. Even when I fail, I have to brush it off and go back to this starting point. Because if I don’t it’s like trying to start my day without brushing my teeth. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth all day.
Until we can get this whole loving God and loving our neighbor thing down, I will write my heart out. Because God knows that’s the only thing that will ever change this hopeless and spiritually hungry world.
****i swore that I would update this section but that ain’t happening til 2012..or 13, depends on how many times I lose my keys and forget my password. BUT here is a major miracle that I MUST share–or you and I would be missing out on what we hope to be believe in…God’s goodness. here it is, you’re welcome
Me and the hubs, opposites in personality..exactly alike in our ideals:)
Me,Seth, and my sweet, in his own world, strong willed, tender hearted, wrestler fanatic, music loving Roman spring 2011.
The four of us this fall…trying to act like it’s not friggin freezing so we can have a half way decent Christmas pic!